Hi all,
I wanted to send a quick update following treatment #3.
1. "Chemo brain" or "chemo fog" is a real thing - and it's really annoying.
Today is Day 7 in this third cycle, and honestly, it's the first day that I've felt like "the lights are on - and someone's finally home". I don't know how to explain it other than everything in my head feels slower. Gone are the quick decisions, the multi-tasking, even the logical reasoning at points. The frustrating thing about it is that I can totally tell it's going on, but I can't do much about it. I just have to kick back and wait for the fog to lift...
2. Chemo + Head Cold = I don't feel so good.
It's springtime in Indiana, which means the trees, flowers, and my allergies are all in full bloom. So I guess that I shouldn't be surprised that the day after treatment a big ol' head cold showed up. Normally I'd be able to kick it pretty quick, but this time, not so much. With ears full of fluid, I feel like I spend my days doing my impersonation of an 80-year old version of myself - "Huh? What? What'd you say? Speak UP!!" This, coupled with a ridiculous amount of snot, (I'm pretty sure I am going to single-handedly help Kleenex make budget this quarter), the fatigue, and the return of "nothing-sounds-good-to-eat", the past week has been a rough one. I'm praying that I will be able to kick this cold before the next round so that I don't have to go into it already down.
3. Life feels like one big puzzle - and I'm not going to get to place that many pieces.
At treatment last week, we talked with my oncologist about my upcoming Chemo Response appointment with the surgeon. After my fourth treatment, I will return to Dr. Nate who will complete some tests to determine whether or not the chemo is indeed shrinking the tumors. What I didn't know was that if they have not shrunk, the doctors will want me to pause chemo and have surgery instead. While on one hand that makes complete, logical sense, the thought of changing the "plan" really threw me for a loop because I had this all "planned" out: chemo would be done by late July, I'd get a month or so off, which would be great timing because I'd be feeling better as we started back into school, and then in September I'd have surgery. Great plan...or not.
As much as I'd like to think that I have some kind of control in these circumstances, I really don't. I can't control how I feel. I can't control when I'm going to feel better. I can't control how this is all going to play out. When we first met Dr. Parshad, the oncologist, she made the comment about being sorry that chemo was the road that we needed to take. My response to her at the time was, "That's ok. If I were choosing what I was doing right now, I would choose to not even know you! But since that's not the case, we've got to choose whatever's going to work to get me better."
I read a quote by author Ann Voskamp last week: "Do not pray for the hard things to go away - but pray for a bravery to come that is bigger than the hard thing." And that's what I've got to keep coming back to in these darker, quieter days. I could wish that I get my way, that all of this just magically goes away tomorrow, and that life would go back to "normal" again. But, I don't think that's what God has in mind for this season of life. So instead, I'll use these words from Psalm 138 and ask for a little bravery as we keep walking the road:
"When I called, You answered me. You made me bold and stouthearted."
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Friday, May 13, 2016
The Law of Conservation of Energy
Hi All,
I apologize that I haven't written sooner. I know so many of you have been praying and thinking about us. I don't know how to explain it other than we can feel it - really. So many days I wonder how we are surviving as well as we are, but I know it's because of the thoughts and prayers of so many. So, thank you.
Round 2 of chemo has come and gone, and I'm thrilled to report that the second round was much less eventful than the first!. It seems that much of the stomach issues I suffered with after the first round may have had more to do with the after-effects of the anesthesia combined with the chemo. This time I did not suffer with the stomach upset and dehydration that I had last time. There were no "pregnancy" symptoms this time around, either. For the most part, food sounded and tasted good.
The fatigue is the one symptom that I don't think I will be able to avoid. I have been warned by many that there will be a cumulative effect of the fatigue with subsequent treatments, and already I can see what they mean. I am just tired. Every day. It doesn't matter if I do lots or little - I am tired. This year I have been teaching a couple of high school Physics classes. One of the many things I've taught the kids about is the Law of Conservation of Energy. The law says that energy can't be created or destroyed - it remains constant. Instead of there being "more" or "less" energy at any given point, it just changes form. I would like to argue a bit with my ancient physicists friends - it definitely feels like there is "less" energy in my "system" these days, but the reality is that it has just changed "forms" for this season. Instead of there being a plethora of "mom", "wife", and "teacher" energy, it has drastically shifted to a new form - "get better" energy.
I am doing my best to combat with healthy eating, taking naps each day, and saying "no" to more than I want to. But I'm not gonna lie - this change in "energies" is tough. It's easy to become discouraged by what I can't do. It is a continual effort to choose to be thankful for what I can do. But when I choose to be thankful, I am so thankful - thankful for snuggles on the couch with Sophie while we watch a silly movie; thankful be able to stand at the fence and shout splits at Sam while he races - and see him smile back at me when he hears his crazy mom shouting at him; thankful to see Josh, my normally quiet kid, act brilliantly in the school play; thankful to watch Mike in action as a track coach, loving on kids and spreading his love of running and competition with so many. Super - now I'm sitting at the computer crying. :) But I think I'm crying now, and a lot more recently, because I'm choosing to be thankful. I know it probably sounds cliche, but I ain't lying folks; this change in energies has given me the opportunity to see and be thankful for things in a way that I never have before. I'm telling ya, folks - I know how to fill a schedule. Until a month ago, I could operate and a pretty frantic pace - teaching the kids; teaching other kids; taking care of the house; loving on my hubby; chauffeuring to track practices, violin lessons, basketball games; and a million other things. And I was thankful to be a part of all of those things - I really was. But I completely took for granted that there was the energy there to be a part of all of those things. Nothing like a sudden change in forms of "energy" to put that all into perspective real quick.
By a week after treatment I was feeling much better - so much so that I was able to travel with Mike and the kids to Nashville, TN to see the kiddos compete in the Music City Homeschool Track & Field Championships. It was a gorgeous day to sit and watch a meet, but at 85 degrees and not a cloud in the sky, the weather was a bit of a change for our runners who were used to an entire season of 60 degrees and rain.
But most importantly - it was a weekend full of things to be thankful for.
I apologize that I haven't written sooner. I know so many of you have been praying and thinking about us. I don't know how to explain it other than we can feel it - really. So many days I wonder how we are surviving as well as we are, but I know it's because of the thoughts and prayers of so many. So, thank you.
Round 2 of chemo has come and gone, and I'm thrilled to report that the second round was much less eventful than the first!. It seems that much of the stomach issues I suffered with after the first round may have had more to do with the after-effects of the anesthesia combined with the chemo. This time I did not suffer with the stomach upset and dehydration that I had last time. There were no "pregnancy" symptoms this time around, either. For the most part, food sounded and tasted good.
The fatigue is the one symptom that I don't think I will be able to avoid. I have been warned by many that there will be a cumulative effect of the fatigue with subsequent treatments, and already I can see what they mean. I am just tired. Every day. It doesn't matter if I do lots or little - I am tired. This year I have been teaching a couple of high school Physics classes. One of the many things I've taught the kids about is the Law of Conservation of Energy. The law says that energy can't be created or destroyed - it remains constant. Instead of there being "more" or "less" energy at any given point, it just changes form. I would like to argue a bit with my ancient physicists friends - it definitely feels like there is "less" energy in my "system" these days, but the reality is that it has just changed "forms" for this season. Instead of there being a plethora of "mom", "wife", and "teacher" energy, it has drastically shifted to a new form - "get better" energy.
I am doing my best to combat with healthy eating, taking naps each day, and saying "no" to more than I want to. But I'm not gonna lie - this change in "energies" is tough. It's easy to become discouraged by what I can't do. It is a continual effort to choose to be thankful for what I can do. But when I choose to be thankful, I am so thankful - thankful for snuggles on the couch with Sophie while we watch a silly movie; thankful be able to stand at the fence and shout splits at Sam while he races - and see him smile back at me when he hears his crazy mom shouting at him; thankful to see Josh, my normally quiet kid, act brilliantly in the school play; thankful to watch Mike in action as a track coach, loving on kids and spreading his love of running and competition with so many. Super - now I'm sitting at the computer crying. :) But I think I'm crying now, and a lot more recently, because I'm choosing to be thankful. I know it probably sounds cliche, but I ain't lying folks; this change in energies has given me the opportunity to see and be thankful for things in a way that I never have before. I'm telling ya, folks - I know how to fill a schedule. Until a month ago, I could operate and a pretty frantic pace - teaching the kids; teaching other kids; taking care of the house; loving on my hubby; chauffeuring to track practices, violin lessons, basketball games; and a million other things. And I was thankful to be a part of all of those things - I really was. But I completely took for granted that there was the energy there to be a part of all of those things. Nothing like a sudden change in forms of "energy" to put that all into perspective real quick.
By a week after treatment I was feeling much better - so much so that I was able to travel with Mike and the kids to Nashville, TN to see the kiddos compete in the Music City Homeschool Track & Field Championships. It was a gorgeous day to sit and watch a meet, but at 85 degrees and not a cloud in the sky, the weather was a bit of a change for our runners who were used to an entire season of 60 degrees and rain.
But most importantly - it was a weekend full of things to be thankful for.
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